Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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