i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
