I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
