Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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