i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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