soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
