mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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