My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
