Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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