I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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