Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
