I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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