Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just sucked dick on a ferry
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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