Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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