Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
