Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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