Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
