i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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