If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
