So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
