On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
