There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
