He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
