I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
