You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
