the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
