we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
