Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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