All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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