god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Alive.
So much puke
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
