if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
