I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
