I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.