Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me