guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
