I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
