help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
