thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
