Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
