just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
