you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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