The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
