Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
