i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
