just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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