Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
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She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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