When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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