the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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