youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
