I feel great
I just peed on a car
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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