It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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