My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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