You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
