he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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